I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
so much tequila, so little girl.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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