PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
