i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
