No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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