yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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