when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
