i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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