I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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