How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
