I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
