Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
