We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
