cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
