the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
