i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
