i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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