I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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