Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
