wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
