Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
