I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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