i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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