Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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