yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
