if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
