this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
