I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
