In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
