so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think my moral compass just broke
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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