made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
