The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
