it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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