i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I checked into jail on foursquare
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
