I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
