I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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