I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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