I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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