If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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