You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
