I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it's like heaven, but drunker
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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