the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
