her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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