fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
