That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
