Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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