He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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