I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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