Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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