Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
