According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
