i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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