Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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