Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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